In a perfect world loving couples would talk about death and learn more about the effect of the grieving period before the inevitable death of one of that couple.Death, especially the death of a loved one, is a serious subject, but it should not be a subject that is taboo. Sometime in the future me, you, your loved one,everyone, will die. Grief following the loss of a loved one is a painful period that can have a terrible effect and be very damaging to the health on the one that has been left behind, this is normal but I believe can be made easier and hopefully less damaging.
This website was written in an attempt to encourage that conversation.
Life expectancy in the United Kingdom is about 80 years for men and 82 years for women, so you probably have a few years yet, but, it is never too early to have the conversation about the death of one partner in that loving relationship, and God forbid, sudden and unexpected things happen THERE IS SO MUCH TO KNOW.
( see "NON RELIGIOUS fUNERALS" link top of page )
SOME SYMPTOMS DURING GRIEVING.
There are many symptoms during grieving and although they may be slightly different in different folk the list can be made of the basic symptoms that affect most people.
The words written here are based on a personal experience following Sarah's passing when I entered that period of grieving, a natural thing that will, inevitably, be the future for one of each loving couple.
During my period of grieving and for some time since I have discussed with many others, also bereaved after a long period in a loving relationship, the effects that grieving had on the remaining partner.
"Am I crying for myself or for my lost loved one?" I believe that the answer is for both. "Am I wrong to cry because I am on my own and lost?" No, from talking to others I have found this to be a very normal part of the grieving process, for many years you have had the support of your lost spouse/partner/friend, you shared all decisions and relied on each other. Now you are on your own, you will eventually regain that confidence that you had and learn again to make your decisions.
Jealousy is waiting just around the corner, you have never been jealous in your life but it is very normal at this time, its enough to look out of the window and see your neighbour and his wife walking by, chatting to one another, and you are jealous of them. In my case I was at the supermarket, I look around and see the couples doing their shopping, I drop my basket and run out of the shop. You're jealous, don't be ashamed, it happens and you are normal, just another symptom of grieving. You are discovering a you that you don't recognise and you worry about it. I promise you that it will pass eventually, it is just another part of grieving that is common to many others.
Your own health is starting to go "down hill". Friends and family have kept repeating, "Look after your self, make sure that you eat". I am sure that they have the best of intentions, but you don't care, well, actually you do know that it makes sense, and you do cook your self a dinner, but you cant swallow the first mouthful and the lot goes in to the bin. You have milk for your cup of tea and that will do you for now. This is a problem that only you can handle, and you will because very soon you realise that you must.
Feelings of guilt. Yet another symptom that comes with bereavement. You are almost certainly, guilty of nothing. That does not stop the feeling, did I do the right things, could I have done more, did I say the right things, why wasn't it me. There are some questions that you will never be able to answer, but I am sure that you have nothing to feel guilty about. A conversation before death occurs can reduce the amount of questions because you will have several of the answers.
Depression is often one of the causes, or the cause of stress and depression can, in time, lead to very dark days. Do not be afraid to talk with your doctor about this, he/she can help. It is not always a anti-depressent pill that you require as your doctor has many tools that can be used. You may find more help on this subject on the "Depression" page of this website
Stress may be a problem that creeps up on you after a period of time and it is not often realised that it has done so, the results of stress are varied and there is a fuller explanation that can be found at link top of this page.
Wandering around the house, going from room to room, you will never admit to your self that you are hoping to see someone sitting there. I don't believe that you ever will and you probably know that, but, doing just that is a very normal part of grieving. See My Story link at top of page.
Suicidal thoughts. Don't worry, its normal, and its just another part of bereavement. You have just forgotten for a while the grief that you will be giving to your Sons, Daughters, Grand children, and the other people out there that do care about you. This normal for many folk that are grieving but if these thoughts are continual you must take action, possibly the best start is your GP but your local church maybe a route you would rather follow. Religion. Whether you are a believer or not, your local religious minister, priest, reverend, maybe the one that conducted the funeral service, is ready and waiting to help.
Personal thoughts on other things.
Please note:- The content of this website is a personal view by the author of the website and I have no professional training as a counsellor trained to give guidance on personal problems. It is my personal belief that this website can help those that visit the website in understanding that they are not alone in handling the symptoms that cause the worry during the period following bereavement and my belief that talking about death before it occurs can help to give peace of mind.
Spiritualists and Mediums. I don't know, what I do know is that there is no scientific proof of their ability to contact "The other side". I have seen stage "magicians" doing the same thing and admitting that it was a trick, but this does not prove that the others are tricksters. You must make your own mind up, but, remember, your mind has been playing tricks with you. If it helps you can it be bad, remember this, mediums and spiritualists are making a living out of it and to have you return to hear them again you must be told what you want to hear, and your mind will often, at this crisis time in your life, only hear what you want it to hear.
Herbal remedies, again, I don't know. Medical science often tells us that there is no proof of their "claims to cure". If you read their advertisements you will see the statement "may help", so, do they have any proof?. There are claims that several studies have been carried out but the test sample has been so small that the results are not widely accepted. You must decide for your self, if you want to try any herbal treatment it is advised that you check with your doctor first, some herbal products are said to interfere with any medicines that you may be taking for other problems. Certainly the effects on some people taking herbal remedies are good, maybe it is only a psychological thing, but if you feel better, and have taken the precaution of checking with your doctor, where is the harm.
This website has been created in memory of my wife Sarah with the intention of helping others after the loss of a loved one to understand the pain that will follow bereavement. The effects of the grieving period where you will see your self as a person that you no longer recognise as your self can be harmful.
These effects can, I belie ve, be very much reduced if we have an understanding of the effects during grieving prior to loss. A confirmation that the way you will feel and act are normal feelings and the same or similar to others that are grieving.